Monday, December 17, 2012

Greed Is All You Need

Greed here.  I really can't be bothered to do this whole Blog thing right now.  I was intending to do my Christmas shopping today by buying myself stacks and stacks of fabulous gifts.  Just as I have been doing everyday since January 1st in fact.  However, the other Sins have rounded on me and told me that I need to do my share (even Sloth, which was something of a shock).

Since every word I type here is cutting into the precious time I use to send off Nigerian Prince scam emails (trying to secure some spending money for the holidays), I'm going to keep this shorter than my fellow sins.  I don't like any of you.  Especially you.  You're all potential rivals who might potentially accrue more net worth than me, and that simply cannot be allowed.  

Without further ado, here's the questions you've submitted this week:

Kevin at Who Woulda Thought asks:

Greed, I have seen many, many blogs out there that have a bazillion followers on Twitter, Facebook and their blog itself, yet they don't write much at all or they suck. I feel I don't suck and I want a bazillion followers, how can I make that happen?

Luckily for you, my dear Kevin, I am quite the social media mogul.  I have amassed a legion of paying fans across all forms of the Internet.  They hang off my every word with their wallets gaping open, and their credit cards in hand.  If you want this kind of success, you can buy my book, "The Secrets Of Wealth", for only $19.99 at all good bookstores.

I'll give you a couple of hints for free though.  

1)  Never, EVER, follow or link to anyone else.  Every link to someone else is a link that's not coming back to you.  You don't get popular by making friends. 

2)  Always, ALWAYS link to me.  Send everyone you know to Sinquiry and tell them to set up PayPal payments to "GreedDawg420WEED!" .  I set the username up when I was 14....

Shockgrubz asks:

Is it moral to create a machine that takes care of that ever nagging male need? Is it still moral to profit off of that machine? And would such a machine aid the celibate and chaste in some fashion?

Well, Shockgrubz, you've just asked three questions rather than one.  That's pretty greedy, and totally something that I would do.  Just for that, I'm going to answer your questions in full.

Some people think that Greed is all about acquiring the physical aspects of life.  Cash, cars, chandeliers and material girls, that sort of thing.  While that is a large part of what I'm about, I'm also Greedy to the core of my being, meaning that sometimes it's difficult to stop fulfilling myself sexually.  Frankly, I haven't stopped masturbating since 1999 during a Spice Girls breakup concert.  I even masturbate during sex, so a machine to take the burden off of my hulking, pulsating right arm would be something of a relief.

If you do invent such a machine, you must profit from it.  If it's moral to profit off of human trafficking, it's moral to profit off of a cum machine.

As for the celibate and chaste, why don't you try selling it to the Pope and let me know?  I can just imagine him now, strapped onto the ORGASMOTRON 3000, writhing out of his little robes in ecstasy, his toes curling amidst the throes of Papal relief.  In fact, you can ask him about it on Twitter @Pontifex.

The Pope shares a story of his latest orgasm

Birdman Asks:

When I'm driving and some cocksucker cuts me off. Where is the best place to live while hiding from the Canadian authorities after I kill the motherfucker??

This isn't really my area.  In my line of work I can just pay the cops off.  They don't even knock on my door anymore, they just send me a bill on how much it'll take to keep quiet.  Plus, I never tend to get road rage as I leave that all to my driver.  That's Humphrey's job, to get mad at fools sliding around those tarmac hellscapes.

Since you're are not as wealthy as me (how could you be?  Even Alan Sugar has to kiss my ring when he comes round my house caroling), this isn't an option.  However, you can hide out in my dog's panic room if you like.  Don't worry, I've been told that my dog's panic room is large enough to comfortably hold a Guatemalan family with enough oxygen for 6 weeks.  There will be a small fee involved, of course.  Who am I kidding?  The fee will be extortionate! 

Shay asks:

Why does my dog insist on sticking his nose in everyone's crotch and asshole? I know it is just his way of saying hello, but frankly, I am concerned for his health. I know where some of these people have been. I mean, they may be wearing clothes, but he still gets in there pretty good. Can you get STDs on your nose? 

Your dog is faulty.  Luckily for you I run a dog repair clinic, where I can fix him right up in exchange for cold, hard cash.  I will give him a full service, inside and out, and replace his paws with diamond encrusted rollerskates and his tail with a helicopter rotor.  All this will cost you is 32 monthly payments of $130, then 72 monthly payments of $260, and a small one off payment of $5000.  Please note that all dogs sent to the repair clinic may not be returned intact, or at all.

Just to be clear, dogs are those ones that live in hutches, aren't they?  Don't worry, your cavy will be in safe hands (see, I even know the latin).

A broken dog, before it gets thrown on the scrapheap.

Jonny (via comments) asks:

Dear Greed,

I just got promoted, but I'm totally out of my depth and I'm scared I'll get fired. What should I do?

"You've just gotta take the rough with the smooth" said the sandpaper salesman who tried to rape me.  It was good advice actually.

Geoff Grapes asks:

What is the record for laying around in bed eating Cheetos and watching red Dwarf episodes? Do you think I can break said record?

Well Geoff, Greed is not a lazy sin.  Greed is an active a sin, a sin that gets out of bed and tries to accumulate as much stuff as possible.  As such I have all episodes of Red Dwarf on DVD and Blu Ray, including the "lost episodes" which were shot in the BBC canteen.  I play them on constant loop on my 403' stereoscopic GoggleVision TV that's stapled to the side of a truck.  My goldfish knows all the words and even acts out some of the scenes, although I've never seen it.  I've never watched them because I'm too busy buying more DVDs.  I don't have a DVD shelf, I have a DVD throne room, complete with a Blu Ray scepter and a UMD robe.  My shoes are made out of hollowed out VHS tapes.  I'm not a hobo, I'm a media monarch!  No, I'm not having a mental breakdown.

Joel Forman asks:

I want stuff, but I can't afford it. What should I do?

I...I don't know.  I've never run into such a situation.  I can always afford stuff.  I steal the majority of it anyway, but I have the money to bribe the cops if needs be.  In this case, you're on your own bud!


That's the end of this week's questions, and not a moment too soon.  Sloth is up next, so please submit some questions for him.  I've tampered with his phone so every time you submit a question, it sends him a message and wakes him up.  Send as many as you can, it's hilarious!

Also, don't forget that you can now submit questions via Facebook and Twitter.  We are also accepting questions that are submitted in the comment sections, for those who are lazier than our resident Sloth.


  1. "I even masturbate during sex," Hahahahahahahaha! It's just awful that I pictured how that would work. Well done, Greed. Also, I love how the Labels end up having "murder" and "pope" next to each other. It has given me an idea for a movie, "Murder Pope: Cleanser of Sins".

    1. Let he without sin cast the first bullet.

  2. Loved the picture of the Pope. It's always nice to know the Pontiff is having his worldly needs met.

  3. haha greed is sure at play today, and the cat is quite greedy with the views and followers.

  4. I'm feeling 100 shades greedier after reading this. Too bad I don't work tonight.

  5. When did Greed get too cool for school? Man...I remember when we used to be buddies...never getting enough of each other. it's like I hardly know you. *le sigh*

  6. You are such a greedy Greed! Always want, want, want! Why don't you leave over-filling your plate to the professional, like me? The Glutton. I invented over-filling your plate!

  7. I think your Greed is rubbing off on me! I desire more answers. More answers, now!

  8. Thanks for answering that question. I'm so sorry for your arm. The device in question has yet to even reach the development stages, so I may have time to slow pitch the pontiff. In times of peace, there should be time with a piece(that's my first hook).

    And I've imitated your costume, but with beta and audio cassettes making my master suite, complete with tape-draped four poster bed. You have great taste, don't let those men in white coats tell you any different.

  9. That is some great advice from the sandpaper salesman. He could sell that masturbation machine, no problem.

    Here is my question: Is it okay to poop in the cat's litter box if I'm too lazy to make it to the bathroom?


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