Monday, November 26, 2012

Welcome to Sinquiry

For centuries, we sins have thrived off the selfish nature of mankind. We've grown fat from humanity's fall from grace. The past few decades have only become easier for us sins, allowing us time to expand our outreach through such mediums as politics and MTV. The latest of our endeavors has led us to this increasingly popular instrument you mortals know as blogging.

Therefore, without further adieu, welcome to Sinquiry!

Let's start off by getting to know one another:


I'm definitely the go-to guy when it comes to your inquiries. I've done just about everthing but be ugly and fail at stuff. Therefore, in the brief moments that I'm not gazing upon my immense muscles and godly physique in the mirror, I suppose I can take a moment or two to answer the questions of a few lesser beings. Though, I warn you, stay clear of any "Why does no one love me" questions, for I have no experience in that field.


They call me Gluttony but I would argue that I'm just 'Big Boned'. Indulge yourself and gobble up my advice as I tell it like it is. Is too much still not enough? Come see me. Need dieting tips? I'm your guy. Addiction got the best of you? I can get your fix and then some. Just tread carefully or you might find yourself eating your own words!


Hey, Greed here. When I’m not lavishing an obscene amount of money on getting world leaders to kiss each other in public, I’m going to be answering your questions. As you can imagine, this is going to be a huge step down for me. If you want me to stick around, I suggest you spoil me with fabulous gifts. This is how the service industry works.


What do you people need advice for anyway? I'm sure you're just fine the way you are. Besides, change is hard. Whatever. I was going to spend a productive evening watching TV and having a beer (or five), but if you insist, I'll answer your damn question. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not. But you can try.


Hello, loves, it’s Lust here reporting from my bed…where I do all my best work. When it comes to sex, the more the merrier (romps, partners, toys, positions…you name it). I’m here to answer all your love, sex, relationship and life questions. Disclaimer: I am not liable for any resulting sexual harassment cases, children (gasp) or stalker exes. Any mind-blowing orgasms, breath taking kisses, and coy glances…those are all mine. Mwah!


Hi, I'm Wrath, and if there's one thing I hate more than stupid questions, it's letting one of these other morons answer it instead of me. Their fruity "let's hug things out like little girls" mentality just makes me shake with rage. I firmly believe that any and all problems can be solved with the 3 Vs: Violence, Vengeance, and Vigilante justice. So hurry up and ask me a question before you REALLY piss me off.


I'm Envy, what more do you need to know? I don't want to tell you anything else in case you start copying me. I'm here to answer your questions, but you all probably have better, more successful lives than me. Why are you here, what with your fancy lifestyles and gorgeous families! You make me sick.

As a token of our appreciation for your continued sinful services, we've decided to give back to the community by offering a deadly dose of sintuition for any inqueries plaguing your mind. Is there an abnormal growth in your nether regions in dire need of medical insight? Do your inlaws view you as an unwelcome parasite? Will James Franco be the star of the sequel to 127 Hours?

Any and all inquiries may be submitted by using the "Ask a Sin" link on the right side of the page.
It looks like this:

If you wish to remain anonymous, please indicate so. In addition, if you'd like your blog address posted, include it in the body of the message. We're no strangers to blog-whoring. Seven inquiries will be answered a week by the scheduled sin.

The more sentimental or interesting the question, the more likely it is to be answered. So, by all means, do not hold back. Get weird, you insignificant mortals!

Doing the honors of answering the first round of questions next week will be Pride.