Monday, December 31, 2012

A Lusty Start To 2013

Let's start 2013 off with a bang, shall we? No, really, come on over and let's have us a little fun. Mmm...who needs a kiss as the ball drops if I can be in the middle of a wonderful night with a fine ass man? I'm all tingly just thinking about it...but I digress. This isn't about me, this is about you. I'm here to help you with your love life and all your lusty musings. I may be hanging with Pride a bit too much because I think you guys saved your best questions for me. 

Pickleope asked: Spontaneous masturbation, much like a bonobo ape, truly lust? What if I’m must bored? Basically, when is self indulgence truly lust? Sincerely—Why Does My Wrist Hurt

Well, my love, the answer is simple. Of course you spontaneously masturbate…have you looked in the mirror lately? Self indulgence is always lust because you are so damn sexy you just can’t help yourself. The definition of Lust is: A very strong sexual desire. Are our closest relatives not apes? We were born to give in to our most basic animal instincts and there is no greater motivator for mankind than the desire to get off. The joy one gets from orgasm is unlike anything else…who wouldn’t aim to feel that as often as possible? 

As for the wrist pain…short of finding an equally lusty partner may I suggest you get creative? Strap a flesh light to a pillow and hump away. Heck, find a way to mount it onto a wall, shower, etc and bump and grind. Anything to save your wrist because this lusty feeling isn't going anywhere anytime soon. 

Wino Pants asked: I’ve decided that at the age of 32, I’m too old to work. I don’t really feel like switching my permanent residence to a public park, however, so what means of legal (or semi-legal) ways to get cash would you recommend? 

Oh, sweetie, nobody wants to work but we have to work. Short of living off the government in a project on food stamps…you gotta work. Even alternative methods of getting money require work. I'm sure everyone is waiting for their pal Lust to say "be a call girl, stripper, exotic dancer, or phone sex operator". You think that hookers and strippers don’t work? Those bitches do WORK. You think a sugar baby hitched to some rich, nearly dead, sack of wrinkles isn’t working? That woman is putting in hours around the clock pretending to enjoy coitus with his lose skin and sagging nuts.  

The only advice I have for you is to act quickly. Let's be honest, sex sells and it IS the quickest way to make money, but at 32 your prime time is cresting. You won’t be sexy forever and men want them younger and tighter the older they get. Your window for making any money with that tight little body of yours is limited…so I’d drink more of that wine and hit the octogenarian hangouts if that’s the route you want to take. 

Youngman Brown asks: Where does the penis go? 

Well, lover, the penis can go in a variety of places. If you’re asking me personally, and my lady bits are all a tingle at the thought, then the answer is a resounding...yes please. Ooops…was that too lusty of me? Shy of car mufflers, anywhere near farm animals, and anything under 18, I say the penis goes just about anywhere. *Just remember--safety first...a healthy penis is a sexy penis!* 

Why limit yourself? There’s so much fun to be had for the penis. There’s a plethora of fun orifice and women/men (whatever floats your boat) that are just dying to be entertained by your dick. Right now there is a minimum of 10 people that would gladly accept your penis into their person. This is a fact. I think you know exactly where to put it but if you need further know my number. ;) 

It's Not You, It's Me in Topeka asks: Is sexual addiction a genuine disease like alcoholism? Because I have a sudden urge to fuck women that aren't my wife and I'm wondering if I've just come down with a bit of sickness. Achoo!

Well, It's Not You, this one I can answer with 100%'re sick, my friend. Anyone who says that sex can't be an addiction isn't doing it right. There are times where I've been so sore, so exhausted, that the thought of more sex was horrific to me, but I saw his glorious naked self and I just HAD TO HAVE it. When you are doing it right there is nothing else on your mind but the next time you can have it. You're driven to distraction, your special bits throbbing with need, you start eyeballing people you've never considered sexy before...all because you HAVE to get off. 

In my professional medical opinion the only answer for this is to start masturbating like a bonobo (see question 1) or to put the moves on your wife more often. I never condone cheating (that's because I also don't condone monogamous relationships) so you're going to have to tame the beast raging inside your pants or convince your wife that an open relationship is the way to go. Actually that's not a bad idea. Open relationships really are the way to go; have your cake and fuck it, too. Good luck, my lusty companion. 

@TheKrayze1 asks: If the entire point of being a lesbian is because you have no attraction to men....why the dildos? 

Well, my dear, just because they crave penetration doesn't mean that they are attracted to men. Is a man not more than his penis? For women who prefer other women it's about being attracted to their softness, the curve of their hips, the way their fingers sink into her hair, their pliable nature, and their compassion. Mmm...and don't get me started on the soft lips and seductive kiss of a woman. 

Men who love women get it...we're fucking amazing. We're sexy and soft but tough and aggressive all at once. We're beautiful to gaze upon naked and we have boobs! Honestly, with the toys out there its a wonder that women even accept men in their beds at all. Being attracted to other women isn't about having internal or external plumbing, it's being attracted to the essence of a person...the dildos are because sex is FUN! Sex is freaking amazing and nothing beats a nice deep screwing. Trust me when I say that they're still very much lesbians even if they enjoy dildos and other toys...they're repulsed by you on a much deeper level. Comforting, right? 

Bowlegged in Idaho asks: My girlfriend says she loves anal sex, but last time we tried it my rectum collapsed. I think we're doing it wrong. Help? 

Yay for anal sex! *High fives* Of course you are doing it wrong my backdoor friend. Whether it's a man penetrating a woman, a man penetrating a man, or a woman penetrating her man (a growing beautiful trend) there should ALWAYS be two things involved in anal sex...patience and lube! Don't you fucking roll your eyes at the whole women banging their man's butt trend...anal play is just as enjoyable for men as it is for's a fact. 

Now, onto how to safely navigate the chocolate tunnel. Even a seasoned player needs some prep time and plenty of lube. Don't put any stock in porn where just start pile driving--that's not realistic. Nobody should get near the ass without a decent amount of lube and the restraint to take a partner's cues on how hard/fast to thrust. Tell your lady to slow her roll and treat your ass with a little respect! As for your collapsed should probably get that shit looked at...literally. 

@TheKrayze1 asks: Does penis size really matter? 

Yup, it sure does. Sorry to burst any man pride bubbles but I'm not going to sugar coat this one for you, guys. It's not all about the motion in the's totally about the size of your ship. *You're all reading and screaming "I KNEW IT!!!" aren't you?* A woman saying "It's not about size" is the same as a man saying "It's not about looks"...pure bullshit. 

Look, I'm not saying you can't rock a ladies world with your below average sized penis but it's going to be more about angling and shallow g spot friction than the good deep dicking she's probably craving. It's okay...that's why God created sex toys (he did create those, right?). 

Don't get your mankini's in a bunch though...there is such a thing as too large. That's right...I said it. There is a limited amount of space in a lady's love tunnel and after a certain amount of cervical knocking it just becomes painful. So, don't get all excited if you're squeezing yourself into those gold foiled magnums...that's not always what a women is looking for either. 

Don't shoot the messenger, was just time somebody was honest with you. My advice is know your strengths and know your weaknesses and then play up your strengths. It's not going to be a secret to you if you're lacking in the length/width department so bone up on your oral skills. It also won't come as a surprise if you are housing a freaking anaconda in your pants....bone up on your oral skills, fellas and get that love tunnel prepped. What I'm getting general...get good at oral. ;) 

*Disclaimer: Lust is not a medically licensed doctor. She is however a licensed sex and sexuality therapist. You can trust her advice but she is not liable for any decisions you make in, or out of, the bedroom. Any damages to persons or relationships are not her fault HOWEVER, she will take credit for any pleasure resulting from her advice.*

Tune in next week for Wrath and keep those questions coming in! You can leave them in our comment section, our Facebook Page, or our Twitter feed. We want to hear from you. 

Monday, December 24, 2012

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, And... Holy Crap, it's the night before Christmas! I Haven't Even Started My Post Yet!

It's Christmas Eve Eve, and I have yet to start on the post I promised the other sins I would complete by Christmas Eve. I wouldn't do it at all but they have some dirt on me, literally. I don't want to talk about it, but suffice it to say, it involves a certain cardinal sin coming in after hours and licking all the Jack Daniels off of the floor of a prominent Country and Western Honky Tonk. (MMMMM, floor whiskey.) But, I don't want to say too much.
   My original idea was to answer the questions in a yes or no format, but again, the other sins were wise to me and told me they would give my address to the Jehovah's Witnesses if I did, ensuring I never got another full afternoon's nap again. Then I was going to have my secretary type up a form letter, but apparently typewriters are no longer in vogue AND my secretary died sometime in the seventies, due to a tragic glue sniffing incident. (I had no idea. Did you know you were suposed to sniff the fumes, and not the actual glue? Otherwise your breathing passages become somewhat, entirely clogged, and it makes it difficult for one to, you know, live.) Left with no other choice, I'll just answer your damn questions. Bring it. 

Addman asks: Just how drunk is too drunk for a job interview? 
Are you kidding? There is no such thing. If you can stand and/or talk, they should be lucky to have you. I mean how many people didn't even bother to show up for the interview at all? LIke billions! But you cared enough about that job to show up, even though you were in the middle of setting the world record of tossing back beer milkshakes. You are the backbone of the worldwide workforce my friend, don't change just because of their insipid random rules. Don't you ever change. Stay golden.

Chiz asks: I opened a box of animal crackers, and all the animals were sheep! Should I compose a letter of complaint or accept the fact that I am a powerless peon?
Hmmm, this is quite the conundrum you have set before me. First I would say that your major problem lays in the fact that you were trying to gain sustenance by eating food. I mean who does that? What are you Gluttony?! Liquid diets are where it's at. Secondly and less importantly, letters of complaint take effort. Effort, by it's very nature takes effort, and nobody wants that. Instead, why don't you pour beer on the offending crackers, mush them up into a thin paste and drink them? Problem solved. Also you could drink more, drinking gives you courage. And then you won't feel so powerless.

Chuck asks: Having no desire to spend any more time than necessary washing clothes, how many stains are appropriate to have on ones shirt and still go out in public...before washing said shirt (or simply throwing it away)? 
There isn't an exact number, it's more of a general guideline. First off, If you exclusively frequent poorly lit dive bars, nobody notices the appearance of your clothes. Another thing you might try is a shower. If you shower with your clothes on, you don't have to worry about the cleaning thing. Lastly, when the shirt begins to fall off, perhaps it is time to get a new one. Or you can use duct tape and spray paint to repair it.

Inmate 8675309 asks: I'm looking to impress the ladies. Which face tattoo says: "I'm a real catch?"
I would suggest something in a Sinner motif. Classy women love that. Or perhaps an understated Thug life tattoo. You're sure to attract a rich attractive woman that way. You know how they say opposites attract.

Anonymous asks: Isn't Sloth the sin of laziness? How in the world did you get roped into answering seven questions in one week? That's more work than you've done in a millennia.
First off, that's more than one question. Secondly, I already answered part of this. Thirdly, Yes. I am all about laziness. Fourthly, I KNOW! Jeez! Seven is SO many. It's more than a six pack. Which isn't a lot in beer terms, but is a lot in work terms. Next time my turn comes up, I'm gonna hire Juan from my landscape service to answer my questions.

Hubert Hugger asks: I ride my bicycle to work. What is the best way to alert my co-workers to how much better than I am to them in every possible way?
Do you already wear your pants leg taped up for most of the day? Display your helmet prominently on your desk? Refer to cars as coffins? Prattle on about carbon footprints? Microwave your fish in the office microwave and then complain about the "chemically smell" of Cheetos? I'd say you've done about all you can. The only thing left would be to ride into the path of a speeding Hummer in a a highly symbolic ritual suicide. That'll show 'em how superior you really are.

Delores Dunkin asks: Why won't anybody address the real tragedy of Global Warming? Not shrinking polar ice caps; shrinking pants. I can't close the button on favorite bell bottom corduroy hip huggers from college anymore.
That is a tragedy. You're right; I'm sure that global warming is causing your pants to not close. It most certainly has nothing to do with the fact that you shove cookies in your pie hole like some obscene reverse slot machine jackpot. Or that without you McDonalds would've only served 98 billion instead of 99. (Don't forget the large DIet Coke with that.) Or that even your salads are deep fried. Don't worry everybody else is also being affected by "global warming" and your condition is less noticeable every year.

So there you go. Consider it brung. I'm done. That was WAY too much work and now I'm going to have a few "pops" and take a nap. Until next time.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Greed Is All You Need

Greed here.  I really can't be bothered to do this whole Blog thing right now.  I was intending to do my Christmas shopping today by buying myself stacks and stacks of fabulous gifts.  Just as I have been doing everyday since January 1st in fact.  However, the other Sins have rounded on me and told me that I need to do my share (even Sloth, which was something of a shock).

Since every word I type here is cutting into the precious time I use to send off Nigerian Prince scam emails (trying to secure some spending money for the holidays), I'm going to keep this shorter than my fellow sins.  I don't like any of you.  Especially you.  You're all potential rivals who might potentially accrue more net worth than me, and that simply cannot be allowed.  

Without further ado, here's the questions you've submitted this week:

Kevin at Who Woulda Thought asks:

Greed, I have seen many, many blogs out there that have a bazillion followers on Twitter, Facebook and their blog itself, yet they don't write much at all or they suck. I feel I don't suck and I want a bazillion followers, how can I make that happen?

Luckily for you, my dear Kevin, I am quite the social media mogul.  I have amassed a legion of paying fans across all forms of the Internet.  They hang off my every word with their wallets gaping open, and their credit cards in hand.  If you want this kind of success, you can buy my book, "The Secrets Of Wealth", for only $19.99 at all good bookstores.

I'll give you a couple of hints for free though.  

1)  Never, EVER, follow or link to anyone else.  Every link to someone else is a link that's not coming back to you.  You don't get popular by making friends. 

2)  Always, ALWAYS link to me.  Send everyone you know to Sinquiry and tell them to set up PayPal payments to "GreedDawg420WEED!" .  I set the username up when I was 14....

Shockgrubz asks:

Is it moral to create a machine that takes care of that ever nagging male need? Is it still moral to profit off of that machine? And would such a machine aid the celibate and chaste in some fashion?

Well, Shockgrubz, you've just asked three questions rather than one.  That's pretty greedy, and totally something that I would do.  Just for that, I'm going to answer your questions in full.

Some people think that Greed is all about acquiring the physical aspects of life.  Cash, cars, chandeliers and material girls, that sort of thing.  While that is a large part of what I'm about, I'm also Greedy to the core of my being, meaning that sometimes it's difficult to stop fulfilling myself sexually.  Frankly, I haven't stopped masturbating since 1999 during a Spice Girls breakup concert.  I even masturbate during sex, so a machine to take the burden off of my hulking, pulsating right arm would be something of a relief.

If you do invent such a machine, you must profit from it.  If it's moral to profit off of human trafficking, it's moral to profit off of a cum machine.

As for the celibate and chaste, why don't you try selling it to the Pope and let me know?  I can just imagine him now, strapped onto the ORGASMOTRON 3000, writhing out of his little robes in ecstasy, his toes curling amidst the throes of Papal relief.  In fact, you can ask him about it on Twitter @Pontifex.

The Pope shares a story of his latest orgasm

Birdman Asks:

When I'm driving and some cocksucker cuts me off. Where is the best place to live while hiding from the Canadian authorities after I kill the motherfucker??

This isn't really my area.  In my line of work I can just pay the cops off.  They don't even knock on my door anymore, they just send me a bill on how much it'll take to keep quiet.  Plus, I never tend to get road rage as I leave that all to my driver.  That's Humphrey's job, to get mad at fools sliding around those tarmac hellscapes.

Since you're are not as wealthy as me (how could you be?  Even Alan Sugar has to kiss my ring when he comes round my house caroling), this isn't an option.  However, you can hide out in my dog's panic room if you like.  Don't worry, I've been told that my dog's panic room is large enough to comfortably hold a Guatemalan family with enough oxygen for 6 weeks.  There will be a small fee involved, of course.  Who am I kidding?  The fee will be extortionate! 

Shay asks:

Why does my dog insist on sticking his nose in everyone's crotch and asshole? I know it is just his way of saying hello, but frankly, I am concerned for his health. I know where some of these people have been. I mean, they may be wearing clothes, but he still gets in there pretty good. Can you get STDs on your nose? 

Your dog is faulty.  Luckily for you I run a dog repair clinic, where I can fix him right up in exchange for cold, hard cash.  I will give him a full service, inside and out, and replace his paws with diamond encrusted rollerskates and his tail with a helicopter rotor.  All this will cost you is 32 monthly payments of $130, then 72 monthly payments of $260, and a small one off payment of $5000.  Please note that all dogs sent to the repair clinic may not be returned intact, or at all.

Just to be clear, dogs are those ones that live in hutches, aren't they?  Don't worry, your cavy will be in safe hands (see, I even know the latin).

A broken dog, before it gets thrown on the scrapheap.

Jonny (via comments) asks:

Dear Greed,

I just got promoted, but I'm totally out of my depth and I'm scared I'll get fired. What should I do?

"You've just gotta take the rough with the smooth" said the sandpaper salesman who tried to rape me.  It was good advice actually.

Geoff Grapes asks:

What is the record for laying around in bed eating Cheetos and watching red Dwarf episodes? Do you think I can break said record?

Well Geoff, Greed is not a lazy sin.  Greed is an active a sin, a sin that gets out of bed and tries to accumulate as much stuff as possible.  As such I have all episodes of Red Dwarf on DVD and Blu Ray, including the "lost episodes" which were shot in the BBC canteen.  I play them on constant loop on my 403' stereoscopic GoggleVision TV that's stapled to the side of a truck.  My goldfish knows all the words and even acts out some of the scenes, although I've never seen it.  I've never watched them because I'm too busy buying more DVDs.  I don't have a DVD shelf, I have a DVD throne room, complete with a Blu Ray scepter and a UMD robe.  My shoes are made out of hollowed out VHS tapes.  I'm not a hobo, I'm a media monarch!  No, I'm not having a mental breakdown.

Joel Forman asks:

I want stuff, but I can't afford it. What should I do?

I...I don't know.  I've never run into such a situation.  I can always afford stuff.  I steal the majority of it anyway, but I have the money to bribe the cops if needs be.  In this case, you're on your own bud!


That's the end of this week's questions, and not a moment too soon.  Sloth is up next, so please submit some questions for him.  I've tampered with his phone so every time you submit a question, it sends him a message and wakes him up.  Send as many as you can, it's hilarious!

Also, don't forget that you can now submit questions via Facebook and Twitter.  We are also accepting questions that are submitted in the comment sections, for those who are lazier than our resident Sloth.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Dinner is Served

Hey, it's Gluttony here! I love this time of year, it's my time to shine! It all begins with Halloween when everybody starts shoveling all that candy into their mouths. Then comes the Thanksgiving feast, my busiest day of the year. People eat and stuff themselves beyond recovery, so much in fact it puts Gluttony myself to shame! Then comes Christmas, when families continue to gather.....and eat. This basically goes on throughout the rest of the winter. It's cold outside so people stay indoors and snuggle up on the couch, eating their comfort food. Then comes spring where it's time to get those grills fired up for some cookouts. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm busy all year long!

On that note, I'm already wondering why I signed up for this! I hate contracts! You mean to tell me I have to put down my plate to answer some questions? Damn the fine fine print! Very clever of them to come to me with all their papers while I was eating. They knew the smudges from my greasy fingers would block out the parts they didn't want me to see.

Well if I'm contractually obligated to answer some questions I best get to it. But first I must point out that they originally had Pride signed up for this gig but he was killed in a tragic weightlifting accident. You see, while I was at his gym he was boasting about how much he could bench press. He claimed he bench anything in the gym. I couldn't resist. I challenged him to press my fat ass up in the air.

Needless to say, he was crushed to death by my gluttonous mass. I always told him his pride would be the death of him. Little did I know I would be the contributing factor to his untimely death. But alas, the show must go on and I know you are starving for some answers!

First up we have Kevin from Who Woulda Thought. Kevin asked via twitter: What is a vaginal yeast infected blood fart caused by?

Well there has been only 7 recorded cases of this very rare condition so doctors have had very little opportunities to further study this disease. It is believed to be caused by tongue punching a fart box with a mouthful of buttered toast, though this is not certain. Some doctors believe it is caused by eating an entire loaf of bread coated with shards of glass and then performing oral sex afterwards.

But what do the doctors know? I think they try to complicate things too much. I think it could be as simple as a woman with a yeast infection who is on her period and queefs a lot. The best treatment for this is to stay away from starchy food and eat lots of protein.

Next up is Ollie the Pigeon who also asked via twitter: What are the names of your tapeworms?

What makes you think I have tapeworms? Just because I like to eat steaks, ribs, hamburgers, pork chops, pork loins or basically anything made of pork, beef and chicken doesn't mean I have tapeworms. Besides, I like my meat bloody rare so there is no way in hell I could possibly have tapeworms.

But if you are referring to my wiggly little pets that live in a log, their names are Duct, Scotch, and Electric Al.

Next is the lovely Elsie from Mock Turtle's Musings who asked: Since it's the Christmas season I've been eating a lot of nuts and using my nutcracker quite a bit. How do I know if I'm eating too many nuts and if my nutcracker is exhausted?

Well first are a woman so I don't think you have to worry about your nutcracker exhausting. Women spend their entire lives cracking nuts and they do it tirelessly. It's like an art form. There are many methods to cracking open a nut but it all depends on the woman. The more aggressive women prefer the hammer method. They just whack the nut with blunt force, splitting it right open. Others might choose the less forceful approach, peeling away the shell one layer at a time. This method is more time consuming and takes a great deal of patience but in the end, the nut is more rewarding when it is finally revealed.

And then we have the ever so powerful "silent stare" method. It is believed that some women have the power to crack open a nut simply by staring at it. It's like a piercing laser beam shooting out of their eyes. Master this and you can have any nut you want!

As for how many nuts you eat, that sounds like a question for Lust! But I would say eat as many as you can, nuts are very high in protein!

Next on the plate is The Sleepy Bard from The Insomniac's Dream who asked: Dear Gluttony, I eat my emotions. All of Them. I eat when I'm sad, bored, happy, having great sex. I can't stop eating. I obviously can't stop having emotions. What do I do?

Well, let's see here. First of all, there's nothing sexier than eating while having sex! There's just something about feeding and fondling that drives me wild!

And also, having emotions is all a part of being human, as is eating. It's impossible to just stop feeling things. Whether you are feeling happy or sad, angry or hurt, horny or hungry, emotions are going to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

And eating is a requirement to human survival so you can't just stop eating. And considering that humans experience emotions 24 hours a day, chances are you will be eating when you are having emotions. This is just a coincidence. There is no link to your eating and emotions. So here's what you do...absolutely nothing. Unless you want to die or live life like a robot, then you must continue eating and emotions cannot be prevented.

Next to get served is Barb the French Bean from Two Beans or not Two Beans who asked: Dear Gluttony, I have a true problem with food attachments. I know for a fact that my best friends are Cadbury's Dairy Milk and Ben and Jerry's Brownie Chew Gooder ice cream but's not normal to be eating ones friends, is it? 
Then, of course, once I have made my friends vanish, I search to fill the void with even more friends. Naturally, it's not long until these friends also become one with my being and I ache to acquire more friends. A truly vicious cycle. 
What can I do to break such a nefarious bond?

Perhaps you should stop surrounding yourself with such tasty friends. Tell me, have you tried making friends with those that are less pleasing to your palate? Maybe you should try making friends with liver and onions or monkey brains. Or haggis even. If you have friends who are downright disgusting, you may be less inclined to eat them.


Hang out with these friends for a while and over the course of time you will learn to prevent yourself from eating them. But until you learn to do this, I would advise that you don't make any human friends. Cannibalism is frowned upon, even by me!

G.B. Miller from Cedar's Mountain asked via facebook: Why do a large segment of animal rights activists have zero compassion when it comes to states doing a controlled hunt to thin out growing populations of deer/moose, etc.?

Clearly these people have no taste in good food. And you have to wonder, do these people want animals to govern our country? Oh wait, we already have animals in office. But if we don't thin out the population then animals would outnumber humans and we would have to answer to them. Can you imagine what it would be like if we had a moose for a president?


Our country would go to shit! Animals don't understand the concept of economics. 
My advice would be to feed these activists some deer jerky. Once they get a taste of that they would quickly change their minds about hunting such animals!

And last but not least, we have an anonymous question. Anonymous asked: I can drink a twelve pack without going to the bathroom. Do you think I have a problem?

I can see why you remained anonymous. I would be embarrassed to ask that question too, lightweight! Come see me when you can down 2 cases without having to relieve yourself. Tell me, have you ever found yourself doing the potty dance during that 12 beer span? 


If you answered yes then you do indeed have a problem. You suffer from lightweightinitus. My advice would be to continue pounding beers and hold your urine as long as you can. Eventually your bladder will stretch out and you won't have to go as often. When you can go the entire night without having to change a diaper then you have solved your problem.

And there you have it folks! Some solid advice from from Gluttony! And remember, this blog doesn't exist without your questions so keep 'em coming! Up next for questioning is Greed and nobody wants questions more than this guy! 

*For those of you who do not wish to share your email or for your question submitting convenience, you can now submit your questions to our facebook page or twitter page. Don't forget to "like" or follow us!


Monday, December 3, 2012

Pride Leading the Pack

Welcome to Sinquiry!

This week I gathered up seven questions submitted by you common folk. You should be lucky that I even took the time away from my grueling workout schedule to attend to these silly questions, but it's in the contract, so I guess I'll entertain you for the time being. Let's get this over with.

I recently was propositioned by someone WAY out of my league. I'm not really all that interested, but I would like my ex to "accidentally" find out that i was propositioned by this person. Do you have any suggestions? 

submitted by Katy Anders at Lesbians in My Soup!

Oh, this happens to me all the time. I'm just minding my own business at the gym. Sitting there innocently bench pressing 350 when these people begin swarming around me like flies to a lamp. I suppose it can't be helped due to my glistening abs and flawlessly polished cuticles. Hypnotizing.

Anyway, a simple solution would be to boast it. Print the stranger's face on t-shirt and add the text, "I turned down the sexual advances of a demigod." There's no time for subtlety. If you want it to be an accident, tell her you forgot you were wearing the particular shirt that day.


submitted by Ms. Cheevious at Ms. Cheevious

Nothing summons the freaking holiday spirit like a nice holiday card. Mind you, I’m not speaking of your typical family photo plastered on a laminated piece of cardboard. Let me walk you through my typical card making procedure:

I head on down to my local photography shop by myself (as the portrait would only be tainted by any lesser being that tags along). As I glide through the double-wide doors, the photographer is nearly blinded by my overwhelming radiance. He cancels all his appointments for the day—because, believe me, this will take all day. Then he begins constructing the most elaborate winter wonderland his tiny pathetic hands can create, free of cost. While he slaves over the background, I strip down to my skivvies and lather myself in the finest of oils.

After hours of posing for breath-taking photographs, the photographer wipes a tear from his eye and hands me the cards. I then proceed to rub the cards all over my nether regions just so the lucky recipients of the card can get a whiff of a true divine being such as myself.

Hope that clears things up for you.

Why do seagulls like fish, dont they get bored of fish, is that why they eat chips at the seaside? Are we there yet?

submitted by Rob Z Tobor at Rob Z Tobor

Gulls are actually not all that fond of seafood. It's because they've got a little bit of me in them that prompts them to eat aquatic creatures.

See, they've been blessed with wings to fly and legs to walk. They possess the attributes necessary to conquer both land and air. But they desire to conquer all domains, that is why they've sought to wipe out the ocean population.

As to why they eat chips? They are attempting to dwindle mankind's food supply. Humans are at the top of the food chain and, despite their questionable taste in television and decreasing intelligence, they have conquered land, air, and sea. That's partially the reason that gulls are eating fish and replacing them with poo. The biggest killer of humans is dirty water consumption.

So, to answer your question, the gulls' only purpose in life is to assert their dominance over every living thing on Earth.

Oh, and no we're no there yet. If you ask again, I'll turn this car (a Lamborghini Gallardo, mind you) around!

Dear Pride,
If I masturbate staring into a mirror, that's not pride, that's just self-appreciation, right? Not that I've done that, I think way too much about myself to debase myself like that. Holy crap, was that last sentence prideful?
Mirror Mirror on the Wall You're Going to Require Some Windex

submitted by Pickleope at Pickleope

I haven't flogged the one-eyed snake since the first time I had sex. Principal Merilee couldn't help becoming weak in the knees as she beheld to my cleft chin and fly JNCO jeans.

That's not to say I haven't accidentally fired a round or two while glacing at the mirror on a particularly good hair day (not that it's ever otherwise). While in my case I can't help it, I can understand someone of slightly lesser beauty marking their mirror with self-appreciation. It's only prideful if you place a mirror on the other side of you, creating a wormhole of perpetual narcissistic lust.

Would it be mean if I farted while my husband is tongue-punching my fart box?

submitted by Mrs. Workingdan at MJ Body Wraps

If you strum a banjo, does it not make a sound? If you fry a turkey, will the house not burn to the ground? If a bull is let loose in a crowd, will I not wrestle it into submission with my bare hands?

They're all the same; all are the results of cause and effect. If he piddles your paddle, it's going to rattle. 

One day, I was getting my foghorn spit shined by this person who was easily a 10 out of 10. It was no easy task as my glutes are harder than a diamond wrapped in jawbreakers (and just as sweet). We had to use a cast iron pry bar to wedge open my... well, you get the picture. Anyway, while my bum was getting buffered, I released a bit of pressure from my nether regions. Instead of getting angry, the person was ecstatic beyond belief. I think the exact words were, "I've been doing this a long time, and believe you me, that was the most refreshing and pleassurable act of greatness anyone has bestowed upon me. I am in a complete state of ecstasy. Thank you."

So, no, it is the most appreciative thing you can do for your husband. 

Where can I train to become a ninja?

submitted by Flip at HILL BLOCKS VIEW

Lucky for you, I own a dojo. I’m skilled in the arts of jujitsu, budokan, judo, and fuh ku shitzu. I surpassed my sensei within roughly two days of training with him. He said that if Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee had a lovechild, I would be able to kick the snot out of its tiny, baby face.

Despite my god-like physique, I’m able to move through shadows like a fart in a tornado. I’d be able to educate you in the technique of throwing stars, but all the equipment I train with evaporates within seconds of use due to my lighting speed and overwhelming strength.

I warn you to think this through, though. I’ve accidentally killed a handful of students during a ten on one sparring match.

Does it mean I'm lazy if I turn my underwear inside out instead of putting on a fresh pair?

submitted by Workingdan at Shameful Promotions

I haven’t put on a fresh pair of underpants on since my first pair disintegrated all those years past. I didn’t feel as though it was necessary to cover up that which is coveted by all. If you you’re like me, you’ve got nothing to hide—er, well, I mean you have plenty to hide *wink wink*.

 If you’re seeking my advice, I’d say let the underwear go, set yourself free from such ritualistic, platonic bondage. However, if you’re truly set upon covering yourself up, I’d suggest you go for a thoroughly revealing banana hammock—one that truly defines your endowment.

And there you have it, folks! The results of first weeks questions. If your question didn't make it this week, look for it in our next installment.

Remember to submit your questions using the "Ask A Sin" button on the right side of our page.

Return next week for answers from Gluttony.