Monday, December 10, 2012

Dinner is Served

Hey, it's Gluttony here! I love this time of year, it's my time to shine! It all begins with Halloween when everybody starts shoveling all that candy into their mouths. Then comes the Thanksgiving feast, my busiest day of the year. People eat and stuff themselves beyond recovery, so much in fact it puts Gluttony myself to shame! Then comes Christmas, when families continue to gather.....and eat. This basically goes on throughout the rest of the winter. It's cold outside so people stay indoors and snuggle up on the couch, eating their comfort food. Then comes spring where it's time to get those grills fired up for some cookouts. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm busy all year long!

On that note, I'm already wondering why I signed up for this! I hate contracts! You mean to tell me I have to put down my plate to answer some questions? Damn the fine fine print! Very clever of them to come to me with all their papers while I was eating. They knew the smudges from my greasy fingers would block out the parts they didn't want me to see.

Well if I'm contractually obligated to answer some questions I best get to it. But first I must point out that they originally had Pride signed up for this gig but he was killed in a tragic weightlifting accident. You see, while I was at his gym he was boasting about how much he could bench press. He claimed he bench anything in the gym. I couldn't resist. I challenged him to press my fat ass up in the air.


Needless to say, he was crushed to death by my gluttonous mass. I always told him his pride would be the death of him. Little did I know I would be the contributing factor to his untimely death. But alas, the show must go on and I know you are starving for some answers!

First up we have Kevin from Who Woulda Thought. Kevin asked via twitter: What is a vaginal yeast infected blood fart caused by?

Well there has been only 7 recorded cases of this very rare condition so doctors have had very little opportunities to further study this disease. It is believed to be caused by tongue punching a fart box with a mouthful of buttered toast, though this is not certain. Some doctors believe it is caused by eating an entire loaf of bread coated with shards of glass and then performing oral sex afterwards.

But what do the doctors know? I think they try to complicate things too much. I think it could be as simple as a woman with a yeast infection who is on her period and queefs a lot. The best treatment for this is to stay away from starchy food and eat lots of protein.

Next up is Ollie the Pigeon who also asked via twitter: What are the names of your tapeworms?

What makes you think I have tapeworms? Just because I like to eat steaks, ribs, hamburgers, pork chops, pork loins or basically anything made of pork, beef and chicken doesn't mean I have tapeworms. Besides, I like my meat bloody rare so there is no way in hell I could possibly have tapeworms.

But if you are referring to my wiggly little pets that live in a log, their names are Duct, Scotch, and Electric Al.


Next is the lovely Elsie from Mock Turtle's Musings who asked: Since it's the Christmas season I've been eating a lot of nuts and using my nutcracker quite a bit. How do I know if I'm eating too many nuts and if my nutcracker is exhausted?

Well first off...you are a woman so I don't think you have to worry about your nutcracker exhausting. Women spend their entire lives cracking nuts and they do it tirelessly. It's like an art form. There are many methods to cracking open a nut but it all depends on the woman. The more aggressive women prefer the hammer method. They just whack the nut with blunt force, splitting it right open. Others might choose the less forceful approach, peeling away the shell one layer at a time. This method is more time consuming and takes a great deal of patience but in the end, the nut is more rewarding when it is finally revealed.

And then we have the ever so powerful "silent stare" method. It is believed that some women have the power to crack open a nut simply by staring at it. It's like a piercing laser beam shooting out of their eyes. Master this and you can have any nut you want!


As for how many nuts you eat, that sounds like a question for Lust! But I would say eat as many as you can, nuts are very high in protein!

Next on the plate is The Sleepy Bard from The Insomniac's Dream who asked: Dear Gluttony, I eat my emotions. All of Them. I eat when I'm sad, bored, happy, having great sex. I can't stop eating. I obviously can't stop having emotions. What do I do?

Well, let's see here. First of all, there's nothing sexier than eating while having sex! There's just something about feeding and fondling that drives me wild!



And also, having emotions is all a part of being human, as is eating. It's impossible to just stop feeling things. Whether you are feeling happy or sad, angry or hurt, horny or hungry, emotions are going to happen and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

And eating is a requirement to human survival so you can't just stop eating. And considering that humans experience emotions 24 hours a day, chances are you will be eating when you are having emotions. This is just a coincidence. There is no link to your eating and emotions. So here's what you do...absolutely nothing. Unless you want to die or live life like a robot, then you must continue eating and emotions cannot be prevented.

Next to get served is Barb the French Bean from Two Beans or not Two Beans who asked: Dear Gluttony, I have a true problem with food attachments. I know for a fact that my best friends are Cadbury's Dairy Milk and Ben and Jerry's Brownie Chew Gooder ice cream but's not normal to be eating ones friends, is it? 
Then, of course, once I have made my friends vanish, I search to fill the void with even more friends. Naturally, it's not long until these friends also become one with my being and I ache to acquire more friends. A truly vicious cycle. 
What can I do to break such a nefarious bond?

Perhaps you should stop surrounding yourself with such tasty friends. Tell me, have you tried making friends with those that are less pleasing to your palate? Maybe you should try making friends with liver and onions or monkey brains. Or haggis even. If you have friends who are downright disgusting, you may be less inclined to eat them.

brains!

Hang out with these friends for a while and over the course of time you will learn to prevent yourself from eating them. But until you learn to do this, I would advise that you don't make any human friends. Cannibalism is frowned upon, even by me!

G.B. Miller from Cedar's Mountain asked via facebook: Why do a large segment of animal rights activists have zero compassion when it comes to states doing a controlled hunt to thin out growing populations of deer/moose, etc.?

Clearly these people have no taste in good food. And you have to wonder, do these people want animals to govern our country? Oh wait, we already have animals in office. But if we don't thin out the population then animals would outnumber humans and we would have to answer to them. Can you imagine what it would be like if we had a moose for a president?

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Our country would go to shit! Animals don't understand the concept of economics. 
 
My advice would be to feed these activists some deer jerky. Once they get a taste of that they would quickly change their minds about hunting such animals!

And last but not least, we have an anonymous question. Anonymous asked: I can drink a twelve pack without going to the bathroom. Do you think I have a problem?

I can see why you remained anonymous. I would be embarrassed to ask that question too, lightweight! Come see me when you can down 2 cases without having to relieve yourself. Tell me, have you ever found yourself doing the potty dance during that 12 beer span? 

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If you answered yes then you do indeed have a problem. You suffer from lightweightinitus. My advice would be to continue pounding beers and hold your urine as long as you can. Eventually your bladder will stretch out and you won't have to go as often. When you can go the entire night without having to change a diaper then you have solved your problem.

And there you have it folks! Some solid advice from from Gluttony! And remember, this blog doesn't exist without your questions so keep 'em coming! Up next for questioning is Greed and nobody wants questions more than this guy! 

*For those of you who do not wish to share your email or for your question submitting convenience, you can now submit your questions to our facebook page or twitter page. Don't forget to "like" or follow us!

Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/Sinquiry
Twitter-@Sinquiry7


25 comments:

  1. Well that was quite the collage of vomitous horror. There was everything from poop to pee to sex. All bodily functions were covered. Well done. I think I learned something?

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    1. Would you expect any less from a gluttonous blob?

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  2. LOL hmmm that was not at all disturbing in the least, the worst part was seeing the one eyed beast hahaha thankfully the cat got rid of his worms long ago, a pill helps you know? And have to agree, nutcrackers they all are continuously.

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    1. Nuts have been cracking since the beginning of time!

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  3. Looks like someone forgot to mention that I swam around the world and saved a bus full of children that very same day. So, I was performing well under 100%. I could have easily benched Gluttony even after one of his binges would I have been at least 79% recuperated.

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    1. The thing with Pride is that he always has an excuse. Can never admit defeat, can you?

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  4. Well that explains a lot. The problem is I usually refer to people as that condition.

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    1. Do you have a shorter version? It seems like "Hey, you vaginal yeast infected blood fart!" is a lot to spit out in one breath! Why not just call them a pussy?

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  5. I'm actually gobsmacked by this array. And that doesn't happen often. Hats off to you Gluttony and to those brave souls who asked you questions!

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    1. Gobsmacked eh? That's one I've never heard before! For some odd reason, that word is making me hungry!

      Does this mean you are too frightened to ask your own questions?

      *tips hat and welcomes the applause*
      **jiggly fat on arms swaying from waving to fans**

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    2. Gobsmacked is an old term, been around for ever. They use it in England too. I think I'm more intimidated than anything else with the question thing. Also I'm afraid of what you guys will do with it after I submit it!

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  6. I don't remember President Moose. But then again I went on a bender and missed most of the 19th Century, it must've been then right? Or possibly during the 20th century when I slept off said bender. What damned century are we currently in? Screw it, I'm going back to bed. After a beer or thirty.

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  7. I like liver & onions....does that mean I'm screwed?

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    1. Eew! Might as well be eating those tapeworms up there!

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  8. I'm glad I was provided a laser in this latest drawing which I will now snag before you decide to take it down, Gluttondan and rob me of my latest new gadget! I need this laser to erase some of these awful images you provided. I may have to resubmit my question again for Lust but I think that might be cheating? Then again, that falls under lust too. Great job Gluttondan!

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    1. I will have to charge you for that picture....you can pay me with steaks!

      And go ahead, ask again! There are 7 sins you know and we are guilty of them all!

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  9. If I wasn't, well ME, I'd be turned off...being me that's just impossible. The only gluttony I'm interested in is orgies and so many tongues, hands, and sex organs that I can't keep track.

    I love that I'm too busy seducing men (and women) to get myself a fancy Lusty gravatar for the blog....pfff who needs it. Back to bed where the fun awaits me.

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    1. You sure you ain't in the back getting frisky with Sloth?

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  10. my science teacher back in my highschool days said i have the enthusiasm of a sloth... some of these questions were gross

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  11. oh boy, this is a new level of depravity, even for you, Dan! Mighty impressed. You had me at 'vaginal yeast infected blood fart'.

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  12. So. . . you're telling me that I should change nothing and keep on keeping on? Even if it means being fat? Somewhere there is a man that will love me, with all of my fat and sex eating ways.

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  13. Dear Greed,

    I just got promoted, but I'm totally out of my depth and I'm scared I'll get fired. What should I do?

    Jonny

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  14. Thanks for the advice! Unfortunately, I quite like haggis so I will have to make due with brains, preferably human ones.

    -Barb the French Bean

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  15. Just had to wipe the vomit off my screen. Other than that, it's all fine.

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