Monday, December 3, 2012

Pride Leading the Pack

Welcome to Sinquiry!

This week I gathered up seven questions submitted by you common folk. You should be lucky that I even took the time away from my grueling workout schedule to attend to these silly questions, but it's in the contract, so I guess I'll entertain you for the time being. Let's get this over with.

I recently was propositioned by someone WAY out of my league. I'm not really all that interested, but I would like my ex to "accidentally" find out that i was propositioned by this person. Do you have any suggestions? 

submitted by Katy Anders at Lesbians in My Soup!

Oh, this happens to me all the time. I'm just minding my own business at the gym. Sitting there innocently bench pressing 350 when these people begin swarming around me like flies to a lamp. I suppose it can't be helped due to my glistening abs and flawlessly polished cuticles. Hypnotizing.

Anyway, a simple solution would be to boast it. Print the stranger's face on t-shirt and add the text, "I turned down the sexual advances of a demigod." There's no time for subtlety. If you want it to be an accident, tell her you forgot you were wearing the particular shirt that day.



How can I get in the FREAKING HOLIDAY SPIRIT?

submitted by Ms. Cheevious at Ms. Cheevious


Nothing summons the freaking holiday spirit like a nice holiday card. Mind you, I’m not speaking of your typical family photo plastered on a laminated piece of cardboard. Let me walk you through my typical card making procedure:

I head on down to my local photography shop by myself (as the portrait would only be tainted by any lesser being that tags along). As I glide through the double-wide doors, the photographer is nearly blinded by my overwhelming radiance. He cancels all his appointments for the day—because, believe me, this will take all day. Then he begins constructing the most elaborate winter wonderland his tiny pathetic hands can create, free of cost. While he slaves over the background, I strip down to my skivvies and lather myself in the finest of oils.

After hours of posing for breath-taking photographs, the photographer wipes a tear from his eye and hands me the cards. I then proceed to rub the cards all over my nether regions just so the lucky recipients of the card can get a whiff of a true divine being such as myself.

Hope that clears things up for you.



Why do seagulls like fish, dont they get bored of fish, is that why they eat chips at the seaside? Are we there yet?

submitted by Rob Z Tobor at Rob Z Tobor


Gulls are actually not all that fond of seafood. It's because they've got a little bit of me in them that prompts them to eat aquatic creatures.

See, they've been blessed with wings to fly and legs to walk. They possess the attributes necessary to conquer both land and air. But they desire to conquer all domains, that is why they've sought to wipe out the ocean population.

As to why they eat chips? They are attempting to dwindle mankind's food supply. Humans are at the top of the food chain and, despite their questionable taste in television and decreasing intelligence, they have conquered land, air, and sea. That's partially the reason that gulls are eating fish and replacing them with poo. The biggest killer of humans is dirty water consumption.

So, to answer your question, the gulls' only purpose in life is to assert their dominance over every living thing on Earth.

Oh, and no we're no there yet. If you ask again, I'll turn this car (a Lamborghini Gallardo, mind you) around!



Dear Pride,
If I masturbate staring into a mirror, that's not pride, that's just self-appreciation, right? Not that I've done that, I think way too much about myself to debase myself like that. Holy crap, was that last sentence prideful?
Sincerely,
Mirror Mirror on the Wall You're Going to Require Some Windex

submitted by Pickleope at Pickleope

I haven't flogged the one-eyed snake since the first time I had sex. Principal Merilee couldn't help becoming weak in the knees as she beheld to my cleft chin and fly JNCO jeans.

That's not to say I haven't accidentally fired a round or two while glacing at the mirror on a particularly good hair day (not that it's ever otherwise). While in my case I can't help it, I can understand someone of slightly lesser beauty marking their mirror with self-appreciation. It's only prideful if you place a mirror on the other side of you, creating a wormhole of perpetual narcissistic lust.


Would it be mean if I farted while my husband is tongue-punching my fart box?

submitted by Mrs. Workingdan at MJ Body Wraps

If you strum a banjo, does it not make a sound? If you fry a turkey, will the house not burn to the ground? If a bull is let loose in a crowd, will I not wrestle it into submission with my bare hands?

They're all the same; all are the results of cause and effect. If he piddles your paddle, it's going to rattle. 

One day, I was getting my foghorn spit shined by this person who was easily a 10 out of 10. It was no easy task as my glutes are harder than a diamond wrapped in jawbreakers (and just as sweet). We had to use a cast iron pry bar to wedge open my... well, you get the picture. Anyway, while my bum was getting buffered, I released a bit of pressure from my nether regions. Instead of getting angry, the person was ecstatic beyond belief. I think the exact words were, "I've been doing this a long time, and believe you me, that was the most refreshing and pleassurable act of greatness anyone has bestowed upon me. I am in a complete state of ecstasy. Thank you."

So, no, it is the most appreciative thing you can do for your husband. 



Where can I train to become a ninja?

submitted by Flip at HILL BLOCKS VIEW


Lucky for you, I own a dojo. I’m skilled in the arts of jujitsu, budokan, judo, and fuh ku shitzu. I surpassed my sensei within roughly two days of training with him. He said that if Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee had a lovechild, I would be able to kick the snot out of its tiny, baby face.

Despite my god-like physique, I’m able to move through shadows like a fart in a tornado. I’d be able to educate you in the technique of throwing stars, but all the equipment I train with evaporates within seconds of use due to my lighting speed and overwhelming strength.

I warn you to think this through, though. I’ve accidentally killed a handful of students during a ten on one sparring match.


Does it mean I'm lazy if I turn my underwear inside out instead of putting on a fresh pair?

submitted by Workingdan at Shameful Promotions

I haven’t put on a fresh pair of underpants on since my first pair disintegrated all those years past. I didn’t feel as though it was necessary to cover up that which is coveted by all. If you you’re like me, you’ve got nothing to hide—er, well, I mean you have plenty to hide *wink wink*.

 If you’re seeking my advice, I’d say let the underwear go, set yourself free from such ritualistic, platonic bondage. However, if you’re truly set upon covering yourself up, I’d suggest you go for a thoroughly revealing banana hammock—one that truly defines your endowment.


And there you have it, folks! The results of first weeks questions. If your question didn't make it this week, look for it in our next installment.

Remember to submit your questions using the "Ask A Sin" button on the right side of our page.

Return next week for answers from Gluttony.

17 comments:

  1. I don't know bro, it seems like you were working awfully hard to answer these questions. Some of them could've been answered with a yes or a no.

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  2. So when do I have Bill drop me off at your ninja training camp?

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  3. Farty blowjobs, self-aggrandizing masturbation, and... ninja instructions?? I like where this project is headed

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  4. Great answers, very helpful. I loved the first response. Now I can finally make that t-shirt with the Lunch Lady's picture on it.

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  5. Thank you for your advice. Someday, I hope to be a tenth of the ninja you are. Which by my estimation would make me the most powerful martial artist ever, several times over. I can't wait to punch Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris's baby in the face.

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  6. Hmm I guess the cat could make a shirt, interesting answers that came due for sure.

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  7. That's the single most alluring card I've ever received. I promptly took it to my bedroom and had some private time. ;) Then I promptly scolded myself as I looked to each side of me and realized that I had, indeed, created a wormhole of amazingness with my mirrors. I can't help it though...the sight is mesmerizing.

    Great answers.

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  8. And the best question award definitely goes to Mrs. Workingdan. The most hilariously graphic mental portrait that she crafted with such an economy of words earns her the metal of Pride...oh crap, that wasn't sufficiently prideful enough of me! Damn it. I'll get the hang of this pride thing one day.

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  9. Your pride will be the death of you one day! Just wait...you'll see! And for the record, I eat prideful punks like you for breakfast! You think you're all that with your big muscles and chiseled abs! Just more meat on the bone for me is all that is! Now where is my grill?

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  10. Mrs. WorkingDan and the Pickle-pure genius.

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  11. I'm interested in learning more about fuh ku shitzu. Are there actual dogs involved?

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  12. I hope we are all on your mailing list for Christmas Cards, Pride!!

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  13. I'm proud of you. Now excuse me while I order a wormhole of perpetual narcissistic lust on amazon.

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  14. This is some great advice!

    I shall waste no time in following it!

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