A Lusty Start To 2013

Let's start 2013 off with a bang, shall we? No, really, come on over and let's have us a little fun. Mmm...who needs a kiss as the ball drops if I can be in the middle of a wonderful night with a fine ass man? I'm all tingly just thinking about it...but I digress. This isn't about me, this is about you. I'm here to help you with your love life and all your lusty musings. I may be hanging with Pride a bit too much because I think you guys saved your best questions for me. 

Pickleope asked: Spontaneous masturbation, much like a bonobo ape, truly lust? What if I’m must bored? Basically, when is self indulgence truly lust? Sincerely—Why Does My Wrist Hurt

Well, my love, the answer is simple. Of course you spontaneously masturbate…have you looked in the mirror lately? Self indulgence is always lust because you are so damn sexy you just can’t help yourself. The definition of Lust is: A very strong sexual desire. Are our closest relatives not apes? We were born to give in to our most basic animal instincts and there is no greater motivator for mankind than the desire to get off. The joy one gets from orgasm is unlike anything else…who wouldn’t aim to feel that as often as possible? 

As for the wrist pain…short of finding an equally lusty partner may I suggest you get creative? Strap a flesh light to a pillow and hump away. Heck, find a way to mount it onto a wall, shower, etc and bump and grind. Anything to save your wrist because this lusty feeling isn't going anywhere anytime soon. 

Wino Pants asked: I’ve decided that at the age of 32, I’m too old to work. I don’t really feel like switching my permanent residence to a public park, however, so what means of legal (or semi-legal) ways to get cash would you recommend? 

Oh, sweetie, nobody wants to work but we have to work. Short of living off the government in a project on food stamps…you gotta work. Even alternative methods of getting money require work. I'm sure everyone is waiting for their pal Lust to say "be a call girl, stripper, exotic dancer, or phone sex operator". You think that hookers and strippers don’t work? Those bitches do WORK. You think a sugar baby hitched to some rich, nearly dead, sack of wrinkles isn’t working? That woman is putting in hours around the clock pretending to enjoy coitus with his lose skin and sagging nuts.  

The only advice I have for you is to act quickly. Let's be honest, sex sells and it IS the quickest way to make money, but at 32 your prime time is cresting. You won’t be sexy forever and men want them younger and tighter the older they get. Your window for making any money with that tight little body of yours is limited…so I’d drink more of that wine and hit the octogenarian hangouts if that’s the route you want to take. 

Youngman Brown asks: Where does the penis go? 

Well, lover, the penis can go in a variety of places. If you’re asking me personally, and my lady bits are all a tingle at the thought, then the answer is a resounding...yes please. Ooops…was that too lusty of me? Shy of car mufflers, anywhere near farm animals, and anything under 18, I say the penis goes just about anywhere. *Just remember--safety first...a healthy penis is a sexy penis!* 

Why limit yourself? There’s so much fun to be had for the penis. There’s a plethora of fun orifice and women/men (whatever floats your boat) that are just dying to be entertained by your dick. Right now there is a minimum of 10 people that would gladly accept your penis into their person. This is a fact. I think you know exactly where to put it but if you need further tips...you know my number. ;) 

It's Not You, It's Me in Topeka asks: Is sexual addiction a genuine disease like alcoholism? Because I have a sudden urge to fuck women that aren't my wife and I'm wondering if I've just come down with a bit of sickness. Achoo!

Well, It's Not You, this one I can answer with 100% certainty..you're sick, my friend. Anyone who says that sex can't be an addiction isn't doing it right. There are times where I've been so sore, so exhausted, that the thought of more sex was horrific to me, but I saw his glorious naked self and I just HAD TO HAVE it. When you are doing it right there is nothing else on your mind but the next time you can have it. You're driven to distraction, your special bits throbbing with need, you start eyeballing people you've never considered sexy before...all because you HAVE to get off. 

In my professional medical opinion the only answer for this is to start masturbating like a bonobo (see question 1) or to put the moves on your wife more often. I never condone cheating (that's because I also don't condone monogamous relationships) so you're going to have to tame the beast raging inside your pants or convince your wife that an open relationship is the way to go. Actually that's not a bad idea. Open relationships really are the way to go; have your cake and fuck it, too. Good luck, my lusty companion. 

@TheKrayze1 asks: If the entire point of being a lesbian is because you have no attraction to men....why the dildos? 

Well, my dear, just because they crave penetration doesn't mean that they are attracted to men. Is a man not more than his penis? For women who prefer other women it's about being attracted to their softness, the curve of their hips, the way their fingers sink into her hair, their pliable nature, and their compassion. Mmm...and don't get me started on the soft lips and seductive kiss of a woman. 

Men who love women get it...we're fucking amazing. We're sexy and soft but tough and aggressive all at once. We're beautiful to gaze upon naked and we have boobs! Honestly, with the toys out there its a wonder that women even accept men in their beds at all. Being attracted to other women isn't about having internal or external plumbing, it's being attracted to the essence of a person...the dildos are because sex is FUN! Sex is freaking amazing and nothing beats a nice deep screwing. Trust me when I say that they're still very much lesbians even if they enjoy dildos and other toys...they're repulsed by you on a much deeper level. Comforting, right? 

Bowlegged in Idaho asks: My girlfriend says she loves anal sex, but last time we tried it my rectum collapsed. I think we're doing it wrong. Help? 

Yay for anal sex! *High fives* Of course you are doing it wrong my backdoor friend. Whether it's a man penetrating a woman, a man penetrating a man, or a woman penetrating her man (a growing beautiful trend) there should ALWAYS be two things involved in anal sex...patience and lube! Don't you fucking roll your eyes at the whole women banging their man's butt trend...anal play is just as enjoyable for men as it is for women...it's a fact. 

Now, onto how to safely navigate the chocolate tunnel. Even a seasoned player needs some prep time and plenty of lube. Don't put any stock in porn where just start pile driving--that's not realistic. Nobody should get near the ass without a decent amount of lube and the restraint to take a partner's cues on how hard/fast to thrust. Tell your lady to slow her roll and treat your ass with a little respect! As for your collapsed rectum...you should probably get that shit looked at...literally. 

@TheKrayze1 asks: Does penis size really matter? 

Yup, it sure does. Sorry to burst any man pride bubbles but I'm not going to sugar coat this one for you, guys. It's not all about the motion in the ocean...it's totally about the size of your ship. *You're all reading and screaming "I KNEW IT!!!" aren't you?* A woman saying "It's not about size" is the same as a man saying "It's not about looks"...pure bullshit. 

Look, I'm not saying you can't rock a ladies world with your below average sized penis but it's going to be more about angling and shallow g spot friction than the good deep dicking she's probably craving. It's okay...that's why God created sex toys (he did create those, right?). 

Don't get your mankini's in a bunch though...there is such a thing as too large. That's right...I said it. There is a limited amount of space in a lady's love tunnel and after a certain amount of cervical knocking it just becomes painful. So, don't get all excited if you're squeezing yourself into those gold foiled magnums...that's not always what a women is looking for either. 

Don't shoot the messenger, fellas...it was just time somebody was honest with you. My advice is know your strengths and know your weaknesses and then play up your strengths. It's not going to be a secret to you if you're lacking in the length/width department so bone up on your oral skills. It also won't come as a surprise if you are housing a freaking anaconda in your pants....bone up on your oral skills, fellas and get that love tunnel prepped. What I'm getting at....in general...get good at oral. ;) 

*Disclaimer: Lust is not a medically licensed doctor. She is however a licensed sex and sexuality therapist. You can trust her advice but she is not liable for any decisions you make in, or out of, the bedroom. Any damages to persons or relationships are not her fault HOWEVER, she will take credit for any pleasure resulting from her advice.*

Tune in next week for Wrath and keep those questions coming in! You can leave them in our comment section, our Facebook Page, or our Twitter feed. We want to hear from you.