An Ego Trip Down Glory Lane

Ah, I was in the middle of saving a bunch of children from a landslide when it dawned on me, I have a contractual obligation to answer your questions. I suppose the children can hold their breath a little longer. Hell, I can hold my breath for 5 minutes while being subjected to extreme environments such as Twilight opening nights and Dunkin' Donuts at rush hour.

H'anyway, let me get this over with. The world ceases to spin if I take more than a 3 minute break from saving its ass.

Is it wrong to go to family dinners, get drunk, and boast about how much better I am than everyone else? It isn't my fault if I'm successful and they're all rather pathetic, is it?
submitted by Jewels at According to Jewels via Email

Is it wrong? Absolutely not! What are family gatherings for other than to assert your dominance over the entire dinner table? Families are much like prides, there needs to be a designated lioness to lead the pack. The only way you'll even be considered for the role as alpha female is to flex those muscles and slug those brews. The more alcohol you consume, the more likely you are to drown out the dronings of Uncle Jim's fishing stories. Once you've taken Uncle Jim out of the equation, don't forget to call out the red, bulbous sore that's setting up camp on Sally's upper lip. Then you're clear to move on to the more threatening targets such as Aunt Melinda and her PhD, Charisa and her newly inflated breasts, and Jordan, with his recent robotics degree.

If your adversaries are unsuccessful and pathetic, then rising in rank will be easier than outliving Kirk Douglas.

Prime example

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Soap or body wash?
submitted by Anonymous via Email

Neither. I've learned that my body gives off a natural musk that drives people insane. Literally insane. The last passerby that happened to inhale a whiff of my glorious, gland excretions had to be immediately admitted to the nearest asylum. Most days I refuse to leave the house for just this reason.

But, for those days that you're getting your swell on, the next best thing to do is to lather yourself in body spray. Truth be told, I exited the womb cradling a can Axe body spray. I'd suggest half a can per armpit minimum.

I'm glad to see one of the women I've driven insane is getting some work out there.

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Is it wrong to steal illegitimate children from under-age teenage mothers to create my own Spartan program to hunt these social disgrace?
submitted by Anonymous via Email

Well, first we have to lay down some ground rules. I've already begun a similar program of my own. My background in all forms of martial arts and fighting techniques makes my illegitimate child army a force to be reckoned with. Though, fortunately for you, I ordinarily use my child army as nothing more than spotters for when I go to the gym... because it takes an army to properly support the weights that I'm able to lift. As for the socially inept, they're all yours to conquer and destroy. I don't usually have too many run-ins with them as once they get one look at my bulging biceps, they have no choice other than to turn a cheek to shield themselves. In other words, to answer your question, you may build a Spartan force, just be sure not to cross my boundaries for I alone will wipe out your army with a simple flick of my wrist while my illegitimate children assassins cheer me on from the sidelines and wait to clear out the grotesque aftermath.

Recently I have decided to begin a search for my Noah. (Y'know the overly romantic dude from The Notebook). I think I may have found him but he lives 500 miles away.

Do you think it is possible A) That a Noah exists and B) To find him so far away (which brings another Nicholas Sparks book to mind, Message in a Bottle)

Being that I'm getting up into the cougar age, it is imperative that I find love soon before I find myself settled down with either an old fart, or a twenty something young buck who just loves his older ladies and is looking for a sugar mamma. 
submitted by The Insomniac's Dream at The Insomniac's Dream via Email

Well, it's hard to believe that there's a man worthy of nearly as much attention as I, but if you think you've found yourself a syrupy sweetheart, then good on you. It's always nice to see the common folk catching a glimpse of the happiness I feel every second of every day.

Although, it has been proven by science that it is impossible for a man to be anywhere near my caliber, I suppose it is true that ordinary people could find attraction in beings that are lesser than I.

Luckily for you, it's the dream of any 20-something year old to take a cougar to bed. As for settling down with him, that should be more than feasible taking into consideration that you'll most likely be putting the bread on the table.

Actually you're both humans. 

I guess romanticism takes the place of common sense.

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At what point do you admit defeat?
submitted by WorkingDan at Shameful Promotions via Email

"Defeat" is a word I'm totally unfamiliar with. So, upon looking up its definition, I'm more than comfortable admitting that I'm the worst person to consult. I've never experienced anything remotely similar to defeat. Seeing as I'm being contractually forced to provide an answer, I'll say (solely from my newly learned definition) I'd say never is a point to admit defeat.

On second thought, there are those exceptions to the rule.

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Is there any shame in enjoying the smell of your own farts?
submitted by SolarBit via Email

I've never expelled anything short of perfection from my body, so I can be the first to say that enjoying one's own farts is completely acceptable. I find it's best to capture your gas in jars labeled according to your diet. You'll get a firm grasp of what foods cause you the expel the best brand. Truth be told, I've earned over $700 selling my fart jars via eBay. If you pass gas that's nearly as pleasant as mine, I suggest you seize the same opportunity that I've been blessed with.

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How many people have you taken to bed?
submitted by Lesley P. via Email

Count the stars in the sky. Multiply the results by the grains of sand on every planet in the universe. Then, minus 2 and you'll get the answer. It's a number that's out of mankind's ability to comprehend.

Alrighty, is that all of them? 1... 2... Yeah, 7. Finally! That took longer than the average 20 seconds it takes me to write a post. Bah, until next time you insignificant peons.