Monday, January 14, 2013

Envy: I Wish I Were You But, With A Bigger T.V.

Having lived most of my life, known only as "the reason Gwyneth Paltrow's head ended up in a box" and "capitalism's dark mistress", it's time to tell it like it is!-- only, I'm doing it for you! Having gotten your questions, scribbled out the answers (in my trademark depressed binge drinking scrawl ) I bestow the ultimate truths about how you're just as deserving as every prick in a Polo shirt and a daddy bought Mustang.

Katy Anders asks: 
How do you handle it? I mean, how do you handle splitting this site with 6 other sins?

      The truth is...I don't. Not "well" anyway. They are all...literally all, better than me...on the surface anyway. Deep down inside, they're all pricks. Regardless, to cope with my inadequacy, I've taken up this nasty habit of cutting myself, you know, secretly...under tables and want not? It's not something I'm proud of--and, and when you usually dine Chuckie Cheese, it can, at times, draw a crowd. Did I mention my incredibly low pain tolerance? Pained screaming and easily scared children never mix. Ever. 

My co-workers are jealous I got a promotion. They insinuate I only got 
the promotion because I sleep with the boss. What is the best way to 
poison those stupid bitches in the secretary pool and not end up 
getting raped in prison by Betty-Lou?

      First and foremost...relax. Preying on co-workers has never turned out well, even in third world countries. You'd most likely end up in prison, as you said, doing unmentionable "rape-like" things with a mannish Betty-Lou and her entourage of androgynous friends. So, for the time being, let's find a less violent solution until a less violent one can't be found, okay?

      Now, dealing with jealous people can be a tricky affair and understand your wanting to poison them. Perhaps, simply sitting your offended cohorts down for a discussion would quell any hard feelings they and you might have. Sometimes a simple, firm, "You bitches need to shut your mouths or I'll sneak into your houses and cut you when you sleep!", is all you need to get your work relationship back on a good footing.

Anonymous asks:
Yesterday, I saw the guy that lives across the street haul a huge 80" t.v. into his house. I know I shouldn't care about it, but, when I saw it, I felt intensely angry. My t.v. is a 25 inch hand me down from 2002 and yet, he (a pensioner) gets to watch that behemoth. Why am I so angry?

      Your anger stems from an incessant need to qualify and understand old people enjoying the fruits of a retirement you are nowhere near (I assume.). This irrational hatred is unhealthy, bitter and overall...fine. Hatred and jealous rage over what someone else has is what sells 80" televisions in the first place! So, don't beat yourself up over something that's keeping millions of people entertained and employed. Revel in it. The pornography industry does it every day.

      My suggestion is to turn the old guy in for dealing drugs. They'll confiscate his belongings and eventually sell them at auction. Then, go to the auction and get that 80" on the cheap! You'll be enjoying big screen porno before you know it.

Chiz asks:
A vacuous black hole has mysteriously appeared in the corner of my 
cubicle. It's grown about twice its former size in 3 days. Should I 
just get it over with and dive into the wormhole and maybe arrive in an 
alternate dimension where I've made intelligent life choices? Or should 
I just try to steal someone else's job?

      Navigating the complexities of interdimensional theoretical physics is never an easy task. Especially if it's sitting in your office...tempting you with it's infinite possibilities. Still, it's better to be safe than sorry and assume that it's not safe to "jump on in". Not without proper testing of course. Plus, I might have a solution that would get you that great job theft a little bit further along.

      Firstly, as a proper precaution, it's best test a wormhole the way cosmetic companies test their wares; on animals. Baring the occasional desk stowed hamster or wall eyed trout office mascot, you probably won't find many. It's inevitable that you will first toss in random office things (staplers, computer monitors, chairs, etc.). Once it's established that those things aren't rejected or return covered in ectoplasmic slime, it's time to move on to the "harder stuff".

      Call over that poor bastard whose job you desperately crave. Show him your newly discovered vortex. As he hovers over it in terrified awe and disbelief...shove the ol' boy in. Cobbling together a "he accidentally fell in, while trying to retrieve his child pornography" story should be easy enough. It's only a matter of time before his vacated job is your new money machine. 

Dan asks:
I seen a guy at McDonald's paying for his Big Mac meal with a $100 bill and he had several others in his wallet. I became jealous because I haven't seen a $100 bill in years, yet alone multiple $100 bills. If I were that guy I would be eating steaks, not Big Macs. So should I rob the guy or do I just accept the fact that I'm not worthy of $100 bills?

      Flaunting your wealth in the face of others isn't a bad thing. It encourages and motivates others to seek the fortune you already have. So, rather than looking at the man as a snobbish prick, see him instead as a teacher. Use the vision of those $100 bills to elevate your worldly purposes to greater heights and see yourself as being worthy of those "dolla' billz" and much, much more.

I suggest, not robbing him, but following him around until he goes to work. Then, rob the guy that pays him in $100 bills.

Asked anonymously via Sinquiry: 
My best friend recently spent a lot of money on a boob job. She looks great and now, every time we hang out, she get's all the attention! Maybe I should get a boob job too, what do you think?

      Having altered my body in several ways, I can tell you that keeping up with your friend's alterations can get costly. I have had so many piercings and tattoos done that I've often forgone rent, simply to out do my friends. Do you know what it got me? Blinding adoration.

I suggest the biggest knockers your double mortgaged house can buy you. Bills can wait...tits won't. 

Asked anonymously via Sinquiry:
I wanna be a famous rapper, rollin' in some phat chedda', know wut I'm sayin'? My boy already got some studio time and gettin' his sh*t play'd on the radio. Even though it'z whack as f*ck! My flow is way better than his bullsh*t. How do I up my game and get some uh that green?

      Oh, the pursuit of fame, what a glorious monster to hunt. Is there a more noble cause than that which might make you more famous than your friends? I think not. Now, being that your friend is obviously not as talented as you, it must mean that he may know something you don't. As a gifted rapper, I can tell you that it's probably people...and maybe bitches...or both. 

      Now, the trick is to get those people to like you better. How would you do that?, you might ask, well, that's pretty easy actually. As everyone knows, rappers, like regular people, love the same three things: money, more money and sex. Convincing people to have sex can be tricky, so, you'll want to invest in a gaggle of prostitutes. They do require payment of some sort. 

      So, simply get more money and spend it on those people currently giving your friend studio time and prostitutes to pleasure said people. How to get more money? Easy. Sell drugs. Done. Before you know it, you'll be loungin in the company of Jay-Z, Lil' Wayne and Snow, sipping champagne that's been cascaded run down a skanky strippers ass crack. 


  1. Seems to me that money is the route of most instances of envy, no? Money or objects that can be bought with money anyway. I'm actually pleasantly surprised. If people were envious of things that can't be acquired with cash, like talent, it would be more disturbing.
    Also, thank you and damn you at the same time for the Snow reference. I'll have "Informer" rattling around in my head for days.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Responsibility of brain damage caused by Snow, falls not on the writer, but, on Snow himself. All complaints should be forwarded to through the proper channels.

  2. Hmm... I think I'll take the "Social Media Experts" job. He gets paid more than me, and all his job consists of is updating Facebook and Twitter all day. Wow, just describing his duties drives me insane. Hopefully, he's curious enough to hover over the wormhole because I'd most certainly push him in. Though, he's a nice guy unfortunately.

  3. My gluttonous ass, still stuck eating cheeseburgers at McDonalds! The shame! I should be eating steaks at Texas Roadhouse!

    If I weren't so fat, I'd get a good job to pay for said steaks!

  4. I'm envious of the great questions you got! Great to go get myself tits, a large tv, and a new car!

  5. That's smart. No one ever thinks of nabbing the guy paying out the $100s.

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